My Hearing Loss Journey
This topic has been on my mind for a while now to talk about. This is something that I have been very insecure about my entire life and I figured that it is about time I share it. To start, I have a pretty significant hearing loss in both ears that I was born with. I am not sure why or what caused it, all I know is that it is something I have lived with my whole life and it has impacted me significantly. At 30 years old, I finally feel ready enough to share my journey with hearing loss.
As a kid, my family knew something was off because I was not listening to them and I was “ignoring” them every time they spoke to me. They ended up taking me to an ENT to see if I had hearing loss of some sort, but the ENT told them I had “selective hearing.” Well….usually most kids refuse to listen or purposely ignore their parents and choose what they want to hear whereas I just legit did not hear a word they were saying. Growing up, I learned how to lip read pretty well and I still had a normal life going to school and making friends. But I did struggle a lot more than the normal kid. I would miss what the teacher said at times during class and sometimes I would even get in trouble because I “wasn’t paying attention” in class when I just literally had no clue what was said or discussed. Even hanging out with my friends as a kid was a nightmare for me at times. I would completely mishear what someone said or miss a big part of the conversation and they would laugh because they thought I was ditzy and in my own world. I would have rather them have thought I was “stupid” than for anyone to know the truth.
My parents took me to an audiologist when I was 13 to get a hearing test, only to find out that I did indeed have quite the hearing loss. My mom cried (sorry mom) because everyone thought I was ignoring them or just being a brat and refusing to listen when in reality, half of my hearing was non existent. That is when I got my first pair of hearing aids. I hated my life. I rarely even wore them because I was so embarrassed and was petrified of getting bullied in school. I was so desperate to just fit in and not be the “disabled” kid in class, the kid who was different. I did not want that at all. I cried and cried and then just decided to not wear them. I wanted to no part of it. I just wanted to be a normal kid. So I suffered for more years to come with my hearing loss because of the embarrassment I had from it. I decided to play the part of the “ditzy blonde” instead of just telling the truth. I HATED being the center of attention in any setting because all of the focus would be on me and I did not need that! I did not need people laughing at me or thinking negative things of me. I wanted to just blend in.
College was hard for me. Hearing the professors speak at times became difficult. I did not even go to class half the time because I could not understand what they were saying, so instead, I studied my ass off by reading the text book intently and visually learning as often as possible. Even though I had a hard time hearing, I still graduated college with a 3.4 GPA and I graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA.
As if being hard of hearing wasn’t difficult enough, but working in customer service AND being hard of hearing…... The worst job for someone with hearing loss is being a server in a restaurant……lord help me. I had the WORST time trying to hear people. I would ask them to point at the items on the menu when I was taking orders. I had people get very upset and frustrated at me because I wrote their order down wrong and I would bring out the wrong food. Sometimes people did not even tip because of it. I remember one time, this man ordered a beer and I had NO IDEA which beer he ordered because I did not hear him AT ALL. Instead of being honest, I guessed this man’s order and got it wrong….THREE TIMES! You can say he was PISSED. Geesh. What was I thinking???
Dating was hard at times, more so because I had a difficult time talking to people about my hearing loss. I had my ex get so mad at me because he thought I was not listening to him…when I was just really struggling to comprehend what he was telling me. I was too embarrassed, even at 20, to tell anyone the truth. I felt that if I told any of the guys I was dating about my hearing loss, that it would somehow make me less attractive. Like I would be viewed as “disabled” and also the fact that hearing aids are not sexy. lol.
There have been NUMEROUS times when people thought I was being rude to them. I had a woman in Target trying to get by me with her cart and she probably said “excuse me” like ten times before she got pissed and basically almost ran me over. I didn’t hear her at all. People would stare at me because someone would be talking to me and I would be “ignoring” them. People got so frustrated with me constantly because of this. It really put me into a depression for a while. I was beyond stressed to be out in society especially at work. I did not know what to do anymore. I felt humiliated and ashamed of myself. I was embarrassed constantly because I couldn’t hear what people were saying to me. I wanted to just hide under a rock.
Finally at 24 years old, I could not take it anymore. I was working at a Title company and my managers would yell from their office constantly expecting me to hear them normally and well…I obviously did not hear them. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable going to work because of this. I am pretty sure they viewed me as the “ditzy girl".” But it motivated me to go to an audiologist to get a pair of hearing aids. I went in and the audiologist was shocked at how young I was, she thought to herself “oh another young person who probably does not need hearing aids” until she learned that I already had hearing aids previously in the past!
I went in and did my first hearing test in 11 years. I was extremely upset because of how bad my hearing loss was. I left it untreated for all of those years. I did not even know how I got by for as long as I did without hearing aids. My test results showed that I had moderately severe hearing loss. She was surprised I did not have a speech impediment! I did not want hearing aids that people could see, so I ended up doing a custom fit invisible in the canal hearing aids. When these hearing aids finally arrived, she put them in my ears and for the first time in my entire life, I heard EVERYTHING. Everything was SO loud in the best way possible. I started crying because I was shocked at all of the sounds I was missing my entire life. I was able to go back to work CONFIDENTLY. I was able to be in social settings confidently. I was able to date confidently. I could hear everything. I heard birds singing, I heard music much more clearly, I heard ocean waves crash loudly, I heard the TV without having to blast it on maximum volume! My world changed drastically. THANK YOU AUDIBEL!
But….I was still embarrassed and still hid my hearing loss and my hearing aids from people. People did not even know I had hearing aids. My closest friends did not even know…how sad is that? I started dating my boyfriend and I did not even tell him at all about it until he finally figured it out 8 MONTHS into the relationship……WOW. I kept it a secret. I refused to talk about it at all to anyone besides my mom. I was still young and insecure. I was still afraid of being labeled as disabled or “different”. I was much more confident than I used to be, but I still was not 100% true to myself. It was a mental battle.
Fast forward to now. I am 30 years old. And I am just NOW finally coming to terms with my hearing loss. I am being more open about it. Slowly, but I am getting there. I guess what made me decide to be more open about it is because I am unable to wear my hearing aids when I am near water or doing activities that I profusely sweat in. I do a ton of hot yoga, but I cannot wear my hearing aids and I struggle without them in class. But I still did not tell any of my instructors or peers because of that mindset I had growing up…. people judging me or looking at me differently or making fun of me behind my back. Anytime someone tries talking to me when I am on a boat (especially when I am scuba diving), in hot yoga, in the ocean at the beach, kayaking, and any other activity that involves water or sweating (I live in Florida surrounded by the ocean) I get embarrassed when I do not hear them. But I still didn’t tell them about my hearing loss because of the stigma around it. I ended up getting waterproof hearing aids for these instances and that has helped me a ton! So my confidence is improving everyday, thanks to technology.
For those people who I did not tell about my hearing loss, I am sorry. I am sorry if you ever thought I was being rude and ignoring you. That was not my intention. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to speak my truth. But, this is me. This is something I live with and will live with for the rest of my life. And I am okay with that. This is apart of my journey and I am starting to learn how to love myself for who I am. I think I have cared what other people thought of me for SO long and honestly, it is exhausting. Self love is a journey, a journey that many of us are on.
I am hoping that by me sharing my journey with hearing loss, I am able to hopefully help others who might be going through the same thing. Whether it is hearing loss, learning to accept yourself as you are, a self love journey, whatever the case may be! I feel very vulnerable sharing my story, but growth happens during times of discomfort.
Thanks for reading about my story <3
